She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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