the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
