do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
