She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This is classic penis vs brain.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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