if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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