So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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