We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
