my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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