roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
