today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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