I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
