does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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