dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
