the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
