Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
