you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
