the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
