so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
