He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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