the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
