i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
