Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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