You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
