I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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