Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
