actually, I'm a sock model
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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