We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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