my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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