VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
