Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
