Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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