You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
