i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's just like the Real World with babies
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
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After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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