when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
