i need an iv and a liver transplant
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
