Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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