Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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