dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
