The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I think I won the penis lottery.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
