I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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