Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
