He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Randomize
