Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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