I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
