It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
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my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
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When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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