i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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