I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
