Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
