Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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