If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
