Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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