I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
True strength comes from lack of pants
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
