I wish I only lived at night.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
