hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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