i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
