he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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